Here’s a stock photo we found of a women simulating an orgasm. All photos via Shuttershock
Girls may not talk about masturbation as openly as guys, but that doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy rubbing one out every now and then. In fact, all it means is that we don’t feel everyone at the bar needs to know the minutiae of how “fucking cracking last night’s hand shandy” was, so we keep it to ourselves, or talk about it in groups that don’t contain 25 colleagues and Jake from accounting’s weird friend Quentin.
Of course, all that reticence means you end up only discussing this kind of stuff with a relatively small circle of wankers. And considering there are many, many ways in which a lady can get herself off, we felt like we might be missing out on some valuable techniques, or just some information we hadn’t come across before.
We were curious to find out what exactly it was we were missing, so asked a few ladies to break it down for us. Each paragraph below is from a different respondent, all of whom wanted to stay anonymous, presumably because they didn’t want anyone who googled their name to find the phrase, “Usually, I think about things like roller skating on some cloud and then falling down onto a total stranger’s dick.”
“I’m a big fan of porn. I think that the Stoya films are amazing, for example. Most of the time I just watch short clips on PornHub, just because it’s easy. You don’t need to download anything. Still, though, it can take a while to find something good on there. Sometimes the actors are super gross, or the thumbnail was a total lie, or whatever. In terms of categories, I’m into things that I don’t actually do myself—like toys (I don’t have any), lesbians (I’m into men), and threesomes (not really my thing, but I have tried it). The execution isn’t particularly spectacular—I just use my hand. As I said, I don’t own a vibrator or anything like that. As lame as it seems, I usually just think about whoever it is that I fancy at that given moment.”
“When I was 15 my best friend told me about the merits of shower heads and I developed a real taste for it. So that’s basically all I use now. Sure, I’ve tried other things, too, but I think dildos are quite unappealing and flat—they just lack fantasy, don’t they?”
“I guess I just do it normally, with my hand? When I was 17, me and my best friend bought a vibrator each—we’d heard that’s what you do when you’re a grown-up. I tried it and, for me, it was just really strange. I actually ended up throwing it out. Later on, I was given another one as a gift. It had this special little bit on it that would stimulate the clitoris while you had it inside you. That was pretty amazing. It changed my whole perception of vibrators. Once, I actually bought myself a really big dildo—purely out of curiosity. It wasn’t that sexy; it was just massive.”
“Vibrators don’t really turn me on. I don’t need to have something up inside me to cum. They can be quite funny when you use them with your partner, but my hand is more than enough when I’m alone. For some reason I always use my left hand, even though I’m actually right-handed. Not sure why. I don’t think women have that same urgent need to cum as men do. But I have to admit that sometimes I really just need to. It’s rare, but it happens. Often I do it in order to get rid of a certain fantasy that I’m having about someone, or whatever. Porn can be good—I usually watch things I wouldn’t ever like to try myself. A lot of the time I just use my imagination. I like using the shower head, but it needs to be the right kind. When you find the right one, it’s the greatest invention on the planet. How often I masturbate varies a lot. If I spend, let’s say, an entire Saturday in bed, I might get at it three times. Sometimes, if I’ve had a stressful week, I don’t do it at all.”
“The first time I masturbated, it was actually unintentional. I was 11 years old and in a swimming pool with a friend. I didn’t really get what happened but I became a really big fan of water afterwards. Showers, pools—basically all running water. Shower heads are definitely the way to go, but a few years back I got really paranoid that the constant jet of water would desensitize my vagina, so I gave it up. I love it, but I have no interest in having a paralyzed pussy. Today, I rely on my boring fingers. Usually, I think about things like roller skating on some cloud and then falling down onto a total stranger’s dick—a guy who just so happened to be waiting there with a huge boner.”
“I always need to have a specific imagine in my head if I want to pleasure myself. Imagining the hottest guy alive isn’t really enough. Porn is the best obviously, but all that monotonous in and out does nothing for me. I find things like manga and comics far more erotic. The writing is sort of like dirty talk to me—it really gets me going. If I’ve got access to the right material it doesn’t really matter whether I’m standing up or laying down. It certainly doesn’t take long, either. Sometimes it can all happen a little too quickly. If I could cum in the same way while having sex, I think I could happily call my life perfect.”
“I don’t masturbate that often. But when I do, it feels as if it’s super necessary. It’s usually when I’m worryingly under-fucked or dangerously horny. Now and then, I do it when I’m bored. I’m not the kind of girl that needs to stick some giant vibrator into each and every orifice of my body, to be honest. I was once given a vibrator as a birthday present, but it’s just gathering dust in my drawer at home. When I have a wank I usually think about guys that I fancy. If it’s a major emergency I’ll watch porn—usually something with oral sex. I know exactly which buttons I need to press to get off quickly.”
“I started masturbating when I was 13. We were on a school trip and one of the boys explained clitoral pleasure to me. I tried it right away and that sort of sparked years of intensive masturbation. I did it for various reasons—boredom, to beat my daily record, etc. Back then, I was really into seeing myself do it and showing myself off on Skype and other video chats. I’ve got a pretty embarrassing story involving my family’s camera. I’m not hugely into vaginal stimulation, I just stick to the clit. Using a vibrator is way too time-consuming for me, and it just doesn’t turn me on. Sometimes, if I’m on coke or something, then my sense of self-worth is totally off and my tastes end up in the weirdest places. The porn I’m into is very much about the power dynamics between men and women, especially when the guy is stronger or in a position of power. Whether it’s a babysitter, co-eds or whatever—if there’s power dynamics involved, there’s a good chance I won’t last longer than a minute.”
By VICE Staff for Vice
This article originally appeared on VICE Alps.