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Date Night-Best Lubes For Anal Play, Cannabis SEX & More!

Join Devi and Jerome for another Date Night. This time they are live in studio, together! Jerome brought the wine and Devi is bringing the lube!

Find out about:

What are the best lubes for anal play?
Does spit really make good lube?
How are your meds affecting your sex life?
Best sex toys for anal play?
Is sex better with Cannabis?
And how to ask a lover for MORE!
Listen & Subscribe in Itunes and Tunein.com!

Jerome Stuart Nichols, a 27 year old sex educator, sex coach and internet personality based in Ypsilanti, MI, resident sexpert and creator of LTASEX.com.

He started LTASEX as a blog called Let’s Talk About Sex in 2010 as a way of helping people improve their lives through their sexuality.

Contact Jerome Stuart Nicols
Company Name: LTASEX
Email Address: jeromesnichols@gmail.com
LTASEX: www.ltasex.com – @LTASEXblog
Personal Site: www.JeromeStuartNichols.com – @notJeromeStuart
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ltasexinfo?fref=nf
Personal Coaching: http://www.ltasex.com/coaching
Telephone: 248-778-7074
Freelance Writer/Photographer: Between the Lines
Managing Editor: Real Food Real Kitchens

Listen & Subscribe in Itunes and Tunein.com!

By Devi Ward

http://www.medicinesex.com/anal-play-best-lubes-cannabis/#prettyPhoto

Recovering From Porn Addiction With Tantra.

* Please note ~ this article is not meant to shame, judge, or criminalize individuals who enjoy a healthy relationship with “Pornography”, Erotica, Kink, BDSM, or any other type of sexual expression that enhances and enriches your life.

This article is directed towards those who are struggling with an addiction that is impeding their ability to connect intimately with loved ones. Unfortunately, there are no definitive statistics regarding the number of men and women suffering from Porn addiction, and most information regarding porn addiction is mixed with morality judgements regarding the ethics of Porn usage in general.

But there is no denying that for a large number of men and women in North America, Porn addiction has become a growing problem, causing issues such as; erectile dysfunction in men, inability to orgasm, emotional disconnection between partners. Not to mention the really bad sex education, and proclivity for sexual violence, instilled by excessive porn consumption. (88% of scenes in porn films include scenes of sexual violence towards women.)

Most people agree that media, in all of it’s myriad forms, influences the way we think, act, and feel about ourselves, and each other. Please keep in mind that at it’s core, Pornography is simply another form of media, one which sends clear messages to the viewers regarding what “appropriate” or “enjoyable” sexual behavior looks like.

The absolute BEST testament to the subtle, subconscious effects of excessive Porn consumption that I have ever seen, can be found in the movie “Don Jon”. This movie draws a clear parallel between Porn and Media in general, and points out the impact that regular porn consumption has on men’s sexual attitudes towards women, effectively demonstrating the difference between “objectification sex” and true, sexual connection.

Addiction in any from brings with it feelings of shame, betrayal, loss and despair, which are further compounded when the source of the addiction is also sexual in nature. I have worked with many men who have suffered from the negative effects of Porn addiction, and they have seen great improvement in their condition, when reintroduced to sexual pleasure as a sacred practice.

In my recent radio interview, I speak with addiction recovery specialist, Billi Caine, about how men and women can use Tantra and Pleasure as Medicine to heal the negative effects of Porn addiction.

Click here to tune in and find out:

  • What the signs and symptoms of porn addiction actually are
  •  What the signs and symptoms of porn addiction actually are
  •  Some concrete ways to overcome porn addiction
  • Why “sacred sex” can help heal porn addiction
  • How and where to get help.

For more information on Porn Addiction Recovery, please visit Billi Caine

To learn more about Porn addiction and how to cope, please listen to the following shows:

Is Porn Addiction Real? – Conversation with NoFap Founder, Alex Rhodes

Porn Stripped Bare – Conversation with Billi Caine

 

http://deviwardtantra.com/recovering-porn-addiction-tantra/

God Is Sex With No Apology.

I want to live my life the way I fuck- with fearless passion and unapologetic joy. There is no apology present in my sex, the way there is sometimes in life. Making love I can do no wrong, and I hold no regret or shame about my unadulterated pleasure.

My pleasure is immaculate, wholesome, unsullied, uncontaminated by ideas of “right and wrong, good or bad”.

Have I done enough, said enough, been good enough? There is no question of my worth or value when I am fucking you. There is nothing to prove to myself in pleasure. I am confident in that, if nothing else.

It is mine to have, and I let you revel in the beauty of it…allow you to believe that you are the cause of it, though in fact you are a contributor, a catalyst, for the fiery release of molten, carmel-colored passion that is my sex in expression.

There is no judgement in my sex. I feel no insecurity about taking the pleasure that is being offered, and is by all rights, mine to have. I feel no hesitancy about asking you for what you want to give me- the next rise and peak, the next extended vista, the fleeting view of heaven we call “orgasm”, because we do not yet know that it is in fact, God.

I want to live my life with the same volume at which I scream your name, when I come the first 4 or 5 times, but then after that- gliding through life like the sweet little whimper I make, when every cell of my body is on fire from the heat of our sex, and I can hold on to nothing, no sense of anything other than This. Pleasure. Now.

I want to spend my days screaming in joy and writhing in ecstasy as life penetrates me to the core of my being, and anoints me with my birthright- the glorious perfection of one taste, ultimately and forever

There is only ever ONE- and fucking you is my gateway to remembrance.

I want to shout MY truth at the top of my lungs, the way I shout in orgasmic rapture- with no apology, no fear of what the neighbors may think- will do them some good to hear a woman in the throes of orgasm, we laugh. Will do the world some good to have some raw, nasty, uncensored truth of expression smeared all over their newsfeed.

I want to love myself in every moment so completely, the way I love that one place your cock reaches so perfectly, no matter what position, no matter what the circumstance, it is always right there, it always hits. That. Spot. I want every moment of my life to HIT. That. Spot. If your cock can do it, surely life can too?

I want my life to be that beautiful dance of union that happens the moment we “click in”, and match our pace, and thrust, and stroke, and stride, and I feel so good I think I am going to explode or die, or strangle to death on pleasure- until I remember to let go, relax, breathe, and open- to allow it all to flow through me, into you, and back again, because two of us can hold more than one, and I am much bigger than my body, my self, my mind.

My heart is infinite don’t you know?

That place that makes you say “Oh you feel so good”? That’s my heart. You think that’s just my pussy, but it’s me wrapping you in the warm embrace of my love, because there is no separation between my heart and my sex. They are one in the same, and you can’t just dip your toe in, you have to dive in all the way, and scream at the top of your lungs for the sheer crazy ecstasy of being entirely consumed by the heat and passion of my sex with no apology.

Like the way I am learning to live my life, after years of carrying around the burden of shame for no reason, shame just for the mere fact of being alive, shame for having done some wrong I could not remember, shame for every thought breath and action.

From my orgasm out, I am delivering myself from the shackles of shame, the persistent fear that I am somehow inherently wrong, that I am somehow separate from love, and god, and “The Divine”.

The Infinite, Divine, God, which people want to conceptualize as all light, and fluff, and positive vibes, but which is in truth served up in those raw, bloody moments of uncontrived, uncensored passion, that taste like your cock and smell like my orgasm, and do not ever apologize for pleasure.

http://deviwardtantra.com/god-is-sex-with-no-apology/

3 Ways To Make Your Man Say “Damn That Pu**Y Good!”

*Warning- This article contains graphic, completely irreverent descriptions of heterosexual intercourse, and is intended to be taken entirely “tongue in cheek”. Please read only if you have a sense of humor 😉

Let me just start off by saying this article is completely inspired by that fact that I just had sex. Again. With a GUY….a really hot one too. Those of you who know me intimately will understand my need to celebrate this, and quite literally, shout it from the rooftops (or in this case, write a blog about it.)

For those of you who don’t know me intimately (ya do now!), suffice it to say that I have been thoroughly enjoying quite a lot of sex with myself, and intermittently with my former girlfriend, for the last 1 year, 8 months, and however many days. It has been even longer than that since I have enjoyed an ongoing, super juicy, yummy, and mind bending sexual connection with a man…especially one I want to devour on sight.

So needless to say, I am feeling rather re-energized (galvanized, activated, animated, exhilarated), in regards to my Tantra Yoga practice, because now I get to really see the results of all that solo Tantra and sexual healing I have been so diligently working/playing with the past 1 year, 8 months, and however many days.

And can I just say- the return on my investment was so worth it, the moment he looked into my eyes and said, “Damn, your pu**y feels good!” Can I get an Amen?

So let me break it down for you in 3 simple steps- How to go from “yeah, that’s nice sex” to – you just blew his shit out, and he can’t stop thinking about how good it is, and when can he come get some more!

1) Exercise it! Jade Ball, Jade Egg, Silicone balls, I don’t care which one you use, just USE IT, and here’s why- That “moment when” he’s buried balls deep in your yoni, you look up into those beautiful blue eyes (or brown or green) and he says “God, I love how tight you are.” Booya! You’d best believe my booty was up the next morning doing my Jade ball sexercises and 5 core pelvic movements. Ain’t missed a day since.

2) Heal It! Remember how I talk about sexual trauma/wounding causes areas of numbness, pain, etc. Well the opposite of numbness, pain, etc, is indescribable pleasure, and not just for you! When your pussy is healed, it becomes ALIVE again, alive with energy, vibration, increased sensation. When he plugs into you, you will feel him from base to tip, and he will feel YOU, every inch, every nook, every cranny, throbbing and pulsing around him. “Oh my god you feel so good”…yeah baby, it’s mutual.

3) Play with it! This refers again to your solo Tantra practice. The natural result of healing is increased sensation and orgasm. Orgasms! Not just one, but many- one after the other, seemingly non-stop. The more orgasmically awakened you become on your own, the more easily you are able to orgasm with your partner. Let’s just say- once you’ve done the ground work, when 2 or more are gathered in thy name, good shit is bound to happen.

Plus– There is nothing that delights a man more than having an authentically orgasmic woman, screaming and grinding on his lap. I mean really- this is what porn stars do, and they’re supposed to be faking it! He gets it for real, and it’s all because of his fabulous cock- or so he gets to think 😉

So Ladies, putting in the time with your solo Tantric sexual and non-sexual practice pays off in spades!

Now I do want to say that a few months ago, an article like this would have offended my feminist sensibilities. In fact, I had a male associate not too long ago suggest that I try marketing female sexercises as a way to “keep your man happy”. Ba Humbug I said! Keep your man happy? Women should do these exercises for their OWN benefit, not to make a man happy, blah, blah, blah.

Yep. And then, well… and then I started kickin’ it with a man who knew how to smack it up, flip it, and lay it down- and my whole perspective has kinda changed a bit since then. All those health benefits are great and all, but what gets me out of bed and into my practice (or into bed, FOR my practice) is the memory of those beautiful eyes looking down on me, and that sweet mouth praising the glory of my pussy. Yeah baby, it IS that good. Welcome to Tantra….

http://deviwardtantra.com/3-ways-make-man-say-damn-puy-good/

The Disturbing Truth About Sex!

I recently came across some really disturbing information regarding the sexual satisfaction of women and men in North America.

Have you seen these statistics?

* Over 70% of women have never had a vaginal orgasm, and 95% of women report feeling sexually dissatisfied
* 80% of men ejaculate within the first 2-7 minutes of penetration, and express a desire to last longer
* At least 70% of men suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction
* 9 out of 10 couples report a desire for greater intimacy in and out of the bedroom
I find this absolutely unacceptable, especially considering how relatively EASY it is to have a different experience. All you need are the right “tools”.

I personally went from:

* NO orgasms during sex, EVER (not even during oral sex, because I was too afraid to let go, and felt too ashamed of my body to relax into the pleasure)
* Being mortified at the thought of talking to my partner during sex, I figured the less words I said the better, and hoped that he would interpret my moans and body language correctly (which they rarely do…sex is NOT the time to play charades)
* Not knowing where my g-spot was, or if I even had one. To my current experience, which is:

* I can have as many orgasms as I want, as often as I want, and whenever I want (anywhere from 5 to sometimes 30!)
* I understand that sex is a team sport, and I can communicate my pleasure and desires for pleasure without fear, guilt, or shame
* I know and understand my body, and my sexual anatomy to the point that I have intimate knowledge of the over 11 different orgasms for women
* I also know my partners’ bodies, and feel confident and comfortable giving them the pleasure they desire.

Does all this make me “special” in some way? Absolutely not.

What this demonstrates is how EASY it is to go from being a “statistic” to being EXTRA-ordinary, when you have the right tools to take you there. So how can YOU go from sexual DIS-satisfaction, to sexual ecstasy?

It’s actually pretty simple, and available for you whenever you want it!

Find out more about how you can start having the orgasms and pleasure you WANT, right now! Click here.

Want more juicy goodness from Devi?

Get my free video guide to uncovering the 3 main blocks preventing you (and your partner) from having the pleasure and orgasm you CRAVE!

http://deviwardtantra.com/disturbing-truth-sex/

5 Ways To Know If Tantra Is Right For You.

Recently I had the pleasure of interviewing Yoga expert, Satya Kalra on my Radio Show.We were discussing how the path of Yoga can improve sex and relationships. One major point that kept arising during our conversation was the fact that the path of Yoga consists of much more than just the physical positions and exercises, (called asanas) and that true Yoga, is in fact, a way of life.

It reminded me of how I explain Tantra to most people- as being a daily practice for health and wellness, incorporating exercises for mind, body, heart, spirit and of course, sex.

Interestingly, in my tradition of Tantric Practice, Tantra is considered to be the highest form of yoga.

The word literally means- “to weave light and sound with form”, and traditional Tantric practices are first done non-sexually, (to establish a foundation of presence, awareness and focus,) and then later applied to sexual activity, for the purpose of using sexual energy for quantum healing, rapid transformation, and evolutionary personal growth.

But for me, as I have continued to progress upon my path, the thing that stands out for me most definitively about the practice of Tantra, is the aspect of “weaving”.

For me, the beauty of true Tantra is that- the daily exercises (or yogas) act to integrate every area of our life, so that there truly is no separation between physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or sexual.

There is no part of our lives, or aspect of our selves which is separate from the whole. No aspect of ourselves which we are denying, or pushing to the side out of fear, or guilt, or shame. It is about embracing everything; the good, the bad, the ugly. Examining every shadow and dark corner, understanding the root and core of our suffering, and bringing it into the calm sweet voidness of our soul’s center, finding that place of inner peace, stillness, and uncompromising self-love and acceptance.

Ultimately, Tantra is the path of union. Union in ALL things- in our thought, speech, action, dreams, desires.

Union of our universal selves with the fragmented, disenfranchised parts we decided not to love.

Union with the voices in our head, keeping us in fear and pain, and running us ragged everyday with conflicting needs and desires.

Union with our body, and understanding the messages it tries to convey with very ache, pain, bruise and bulge.

And union with our true, infinite, unblemished nature- that part of us which is constant, never changing, and will continue to exist long after this body dies, and this egoic self is no more.

So all that being said- how do you know if Tantras is the right “path” for you. Here are 5 sign posts that say you are ready!

1) You are on a path of personal growth and you seem to have hit a “glass ceiling”, meaning- you are doing your practice regularly, but you’re not seeing much result, and/or, you still feel something is missing.

2) You yearn for MORE! Not sure what more looks like yet, but there is a subtle but persistent ache inside, or anxiety which can’t be quelled. You are constantly searching for something, but nothing seems to fill the void.

3) You crave tangible tools to understand the core of your being. All this talk about love on the inside is great, but you want to know HOW. You want a clear, direct, tangible formula for having inner peace, self-connection, self-confidence, self-love, and PLEASURE!

4) You want to bust open and live life out loud! You feel you are on the verge of something, and you want a push to the next level. You are looking for the missing piece of the puzzle, the thing that will bust you wide open so that you can live life with full confidence, fearlessness, and self empowerment.

5) You want to heal. You know you have emotional/physical pain in your body relating to sexual experiences throughout your life. Maybe you were sexually abused. Maybe you feel pain during sex. Maybe you feel crushing guilt and shame around masturbation. Whatever it is- pain; be it emotional or physical, is a symptom of trauma. Trauma keeps us locked into a limiting pattern. Healing truama frees us to experince life as it is NOW, without continuously reacting to an experience in our past.

The key to “fulfillment” in life is essentially an inside job, so no matter what we are seeking- healing, transformation, spiritual growth- it all starts on the inside, and blossoms outward.

The key is finding the right tools to take you directly to the source.

http://deviwardtantra.com/5-ways-know-tantra-right/

God Is Sex With No Apology.

I want to live my life the way I fuck- with fearless passion and unapologetic joy.

There is no apology present in my sex, the way there is sometimes in life. Making love I can do no wrong, and I hold no regret or shame about my unadulterated pleasure.

My pleasure is immaculate, wholesome, unsullied, uncontaminated by ideas of “right and wrong, good or bad”.

Have I done enough, said enough, been good enough? There is no question of my worth or value when I am fucking you. There is nothing to prove to myself in pleasure. I am confident in that, if nothing else. It is mine to have, and I let you revel in the beauty of it…allow you to believe that you are the cause of it, though in fact you are a contributor, a catalyst, for the fiery release of molten, carmel-colored passion that is my sex in expression.

There is no judgement in my sex. I feel no insecurity about taking the pleasure that is being offered, and is by all rights, mine to have. I feel no hesitancy about asking you for what you want to give me- the next rise and peak, the next extended vista, the fleeting view of heaven we call “orgasm”, because we do not yet know that it is in fact, God.

I want to live my life with the same volume at which I scream your name, when I come the first 4 or 5 times, but then after that- gliding through life like the sweet little whimper I make, when every cell of my body is on fire from the heat of our sex, and I can hold on to nothing, no sense of anything other than This. Pleasure. Now. I want to spend my days screaming in joy and writhing in ecstasy as life penetrates me to the core of my being, and anoints me with my birthright- the glorious perfection of one taste, ultimately and forever

There is only ever ONE- and fucking you is my gateway to remembrance.

I want to shout MY truth at the top of my lungs, the way I shout in orgasmic rapture- with no apology, no fear of what the neighbors may think- will do them some good to hear a woman in the throes of orgasm, we laugh. Will do the world some good to have some raw, nasty, uncensored truth of expression smeared all over their newsfeed.

I want to love myself in every moment so completely, the way I love that one place your cock reaches so perfectly, no matter what position, no matter what the circumstance, it is always right there, it always hits. That. Spot. I want every moment of my life to HIT. That. Spot. If your cock can do it, surely life can too?

I want my life to be that beautiful dance of union that happens the moment we “click in”, and match our pace, and thrust, and stroke, and stride, and I feel so good I think I am going to explode or die, or strangle to death on pleasure- until I remember to let go, relax, breathe, and open- to allow it all to flow through me, into you, and back again, because two of us can hold more than one, and I am much bigger than my body, my self, my mind.

My heart is infinite don’t you know?

That place that makes you say “Oh you feel so good”? That’s my heart. You think that’s just my pussy, but it’s me wrapping you in the warm embrace of my love, because there is no separation between my heart and my sex. They are one in the same, and you can’t just dip your toe in, you have to dive in all the way, and scream at the top of your lungs for the sheer crazy ecstasy of being entirely consumed by the heat and passion of my sex with no apology.

Like the way I am learning to live my life, after years of carrying around the burden of shame for no reason, shame just for the mere fact of being alive, shame for having done some wrong I could not remember, shame for every thought breath and action.

From my orgasm out, I am delivering myself from the shackles of shame, the persistent fear that I am somehow inherently wrong, that I am somehow separate from love, and god, and “The Divine”.

The Infinite, Divine, God, which people want to conceptualize as all light, and fluff, and positive vibes, but which is in truth served up in those raw, bloody moments of uncontrived, uncensored passion, that taste like your cock and smell like my orgasm, and do not ever apologize for pleasure.

http://deviwardtantra.com/god-is-sex-with-no-apology/

 

All Tantra Is Not The Same! 3 Differences Between Tibetan And “New Age” Tantra.

Last week I announced confirmation for the first ever, Authentic Tibetan Tantra Certification Retreat. Since then I have been swamped with inquiries from women all over the world wanting to know more about Authentic Tantra, and curious about what makes this style of Tantra unique.

(Only 8 spots left, so if you are interested, I encourage you to jump on board!)

I think one of the most important things to keep in mind regarding Tantra is that- All Tantra is NOT the same, and quite frankly, a lot of what is being promoted as Tantra in the western world has very little to do with this ancient and sacred practice.

The easiest way to describe Tantra is as a form of Yoga. In fact, according to Tibetan Tantric Practices, Tantra IS the highest form of Yoga, and not everyone is able to or inclined to practice this “art”.

There are actually 3 “prerequisites” that must be in place to practice traditional Tantra methods and these are:

1) An inclination, i.e. desire to practice

2) The ability, meaning you can actually DO the methods prescribed

3) The “leisure time” to devote to your practice.

Lama Tashi says just those 3 prerequisites cancel out MOST of the human race! Wow!

So keeping that in mind, there are a few other ways in which Authentic Tibetan Tantra differs from other styles of Tantra. Here I am highlighting the variations between Tibetan Tantra and East Indian/Hindu style Tantra, which is what most Western Neo Tantric practices are at least loosely, based upon (think Oshso.)

1) The first and most noticeable difference is with our subtle energy system. What most people don’t realize about Tibetan Tantra is that we use an entirely different chakra system than Hindu/Indian style Tantra. We use a 5 chakra system in which placement, color, and element are all quite different than Hindu based practices.

2) The second distinction can be found in our orientation to practice. We don’t focus on balancing our “Shiva & Shakti” energies, as all of our focus is placed on the central channel, in which no duality exists. The “masculine” and “feminine” energies are naturally “balanced” as a result of doing the practice of Tantra Yoga.

3) Lastly, the word “Tantra” in Tibetan practice literally means- to weave light and sound with form, and Tantric practices are done both sexually and non-sexually for the specific purpose of HEALING the mind, body, and spirit. Better sex, more orgasms, and deeper intimacy are the natural result of doing the practice!

Also- from what I understand, many of the “original” Tantric instructions in India were destroyed during the Muslim conquest of India from the 13th-16th century. According to Tibetan Instruction, many of these “original” Tantric instructions had been taken to Tibet, where they were practiced undisturbed until the Chinese invaded Tibet, prompting many of the holders of these teachings to move west.

Hence we now have The Secret Tibetan 5 Element Sexual Teachings, which are supposedly some of the original Tantric Instructions from the Buddha, for using human sexuality to realize enlightenment.

Jacques Drouin and myself are the first 2 people in North America with permission to teach The Secret Tibetan 5 Element Sexual Instructions openly, (other than our Lama of course) and this is why we named our style of Tantra, Authentic Tantra™.

So what do you think? Do you have the prerequisites in place to practice Authentic Tantra?

http://deviwardtantra.com/difference-tibetan-indian-tantra-makes-authentic-tantra-authentic/

4 Keys To Releasing Sexual Shame.

One thing I absolutely love about being a sex educator, is the constant call to “walk my talk” and practice what I preach, and the seemly infinite depth of self-knowledge that arises from my ongoing, daily Tantra practice.

Recently my sexual Tantra practice has become really challenging. I usually like to keep up a pretty consistent schedule for my solo Tantra practice, and get in about 2 good sessions per week. (Please keep in mind that I live alone, and have no children or external responsibilities other than work, so two, 1-2 hour solo sessions a week is entirely within reason for me.)

Lately though, I have had a subtle, but persistent aversion to sex, be it with myself or a partner. I have felt repulsed by the thought of touching or being touched in my genital area. I let my pubic hair grow in fully, and avoided trimming or “manicuring” that area at all, just let it be all bushy and wild, like I was covering up, …made me feel safe and also- unattractive.

On my scheduled self-pleasure nights, I watched a movie, or fell asleep, and basically did everything I could think of to avoid “going there”, but without really acknowledging that I was avoiding “going there.” Then one night last week, it all came to a head. I had no plans for sexual self pleasure that night, as just putting it on my schedule was enough to turn me in the opposite direction. But what I did have on my schedule was my 5 core pelvic movement and jade ben wa ball practice, which along with my Tantra Meditations, I continued to do regularly throughout this last phase of “sexual aversion.” (And let me just say- this was not a case of “low libido” this was sexual revulsion.)

So- this particular evening I began my “sexercies” quite normally, but at some point as I was doing the movements, it occurred to me that I needed to make sound. Lots of sound, loud sound, just let my throat open, and let pure, primal, non-intellectual sound come out of me with each movement.

I breathed, and grunted, and groaned, and yelled into every movement. I let every tight and sore muscle sound itself out of my body. I gave voice to all the unconscious tension and emotion I was holding in my shoulders, my back, my hips, eventually making my way to my thighs- where I encountered at first, a dense numbness, which eventually gave way to deep, heart wrenching emotions of shame and despair. Memories then began to arise from a particular event in my life, which has shaped my sexual identity as a woman, and even quite literally shaped the very cells and structure of my body.

I was 12 or 13, just beginning to blossom as a young woman. I was wearing short -shorts, and I remember being very proud of and comfortable with my body. It was the last time that I actually remember really enjoying the way that I looked, and having no shame about my thighs. It was also the last time in my life that I ever wore short-shorts.

I was spending the summer with my father, and I had come home from a walk with a friend. I walked in the door and was literally blind-sided with my father’s rage. He began yelling at me about talking to boys, staining the white carpet, and things that didn’t seem to be related or even make sense. I don’t remember the exact details of what happened next, or even how long it lasted, but at some point, I was lying crumpled on the floor, and my father had beaten me so badly with a belt, that my legs were bruised and bleeding from knee to thigh. But it didn’t end there. Somehow I scrambled up the stairs, with him following me, and at the top I found myself lying on my back, with my father’s weight on top of me, and his hands around my throat, choking me.

I don’t know how long that lasted, though it seemed like an eternity. At some point he must have come to his senses, because he stopped choking me, got up, and went downstairs. Neither of us ever said another word about it, but I didn’t wear even knee length shorts for the rest of that summer, and I have never stopped feeling ashamed of my thighs, which were bruised and bloody for weeks afterwards.

So, though I have dealt with this particular trauma at various different times throughout my life, the reality is- there are residues and imprints which still reside in my body/mind/spirit, and perhaps always will- as we have no idea how deeply impacted we are by certain experiences, and how deeply damaging early childhood trauma can be.

The practice of Tantra is so wonderful for me, because it is so incredibly effective at peeling away and unearthing these unhealed wounds, in order that they may BE healed. Kinda like taking the splinter out so the flesh can heal, and/or- reopening a badly healed wound, so that the flesh/spirit can knit itself back together the “right” way.

On this particular evening I have been discussing- when the memories began to arise and the emotions with it, because of my training, I knew what to do to facilitate the healing process, and this is what I share with you.

#1) Be aware that if you are experiencing an unusual aversion to something (particularly sex, because by it’s nature, it take you right into the core of your wounding) it is usually because something is arising to be purified. Meaning- if you don’t want to go there, that’s a green light to go there!

#2)  Also be aware that you cannot force the process, and forcing yourself to go through a block can actually make it worse. So I like to say- go AROUND it. Kinda like I did- I avoided my direct sexual practice, but continued working with the 3 other principles of self-pleasure (movement, meditation, self-connection.) Each of these practices continued to work on unearthing the trauma, each in it’s own unique and unthreatening way, so that when the time was right, the boil could pop, so to speak.

#3)  When it eventually comes to a head, dive in and celebrate it! Howl, moan, cry, grieve, feel the anguish, the fear, the intensity, and BREATH through it. Relax and breath, and watch the storm go by.

#4)  When possible, replace the pain with pleasure. On this particular evening, when the boil came to a head, and began to ooze it’s pus and blood through emotions and tears, my feelings of aversion to sex started to break up a bit, so I took advantage of the opportunity, jumped on board, and engaged in some sexual self-pleasure. As I said above- because sexual pleasure taps us directly into the core of our being, it can facilitate the healing process much more quickly, deeply, and thoroughly than just sitting around talking about it. Also- pleasure is medicine, so the pleasure helped replace the imprints of fear, trauma and wounding on a cellular level.

I share all of this with you to encourage you to CELEBRATE your healing. It is a life-long journey, and with every layer of fear, pain, and shame that is peeled away, a more whole, empowered, purified, and WISE self emerges.

Also- I encourage you to be gentle AND consistent with your practice. As I said above- if you are avoiding any aspect of your self, be aware that there is wounding there, BUT- don’t force. Be gentle but consistent, like water- a gentle stream flowing down hill will initially go around a big boulder sitting in it’s path, but it will eventually dissolve it entirely, if given enough time.

Have you had similar experiences of sexual healing? Does any of what I shared resonate with you? Leave a comment below and let me know, I’d love to hear about it! Want to get started on your path of sexual healing and empowerment? Contact me for more info.

How To Be The Love You Wish To Receive.

Those of you who have been following my blog and radio show for awhile know that I have been kickin’ it with this one particular dude for the last few months. If you look closely at my writing, you can track the gradual blossoming of my heart, which coincides with a deeper level of sexual awakening on my part. In her book “Vagina”, Naomi Wolf makes the case for the brain/vagina connection- what happens in one directly effects the other. I am making the case for the heart/vagina connection, meaning- the heart and vagina are inseparable, and we can literally fuck our way to GOD, i.e. unconditional love, i.e. FREEDOM!

So here’s what’s been happenin’ in my vagina/heart these last few months….Essentially it has been a subtle game of “Tug of War”. My pattern in relationship has been to let the man set the emotional pace of our connection, while I hold out and hold back my feelings, and wait for him to give me the appropriate signs and signals letting me know it is okay and safe for me to “have feelings” for him.

Basically I wait until he “gives me permission” to love him.

(Just a note~In this case the word “love” is not synonymous with “own.”)

Now please keep in mind that this has been an unconscious pattern until about 10 days ago, so I was totally unaware that this was the game we were playing. It seemed…. normal. So- here we are having this AWESOME sex (did happen to mention the sex is spectacular?) which is blowing my heart (and pussy) wide open, along with every fiber and cell of my being, BUT- I am trying to play it cool, acting like he’s replaceable, and waiting for him to “open his heart to me”.

Meanwhile, during this time I make sure to remind him at every opportunity how very lucky he is to be fucking ME of all people, and making a mental note of every time my “need to be adored” goes unmet.

The image I have in my mind of what a “good and devoted man” should behave like, conflicts with some of the signs and signal he is giving me, and I spend a whole lot of time focusing on my “unmet needs” in this relationship, as well as spending a goodly amount of time hemming and hawwing about what to do, and what to do, and what should I DO?

And then… and then one day the shit hit the fan, and it was time to make a choice. And I chose to let him go. And in that letting go, I realized how much I already loved him, and how it did not matter if I was with him, or apart from him, or what he said, or did, or where either of us went in life, the truth was- I LOVED him already, so there was nothing left to hide, and there was nothing left to lose.

It was already done, the gig was up.

And so- since I had nothing to lose that hadn’t already been lost, I stopped waiting for him to behave properly so that I could show him I loved him, and I decided to GIVE him my LOVE, 100%, without condition.

The truth was, he in fact already HAD my love, regardless of whether or not I allowed him to know it, and it just fucking hurt to hold it back, and try to keep it away from him. I realized I was acting as if my love was a cookie, and if he was a good dog and sat when I told him to, he could have it. 100% conditional.

I wondered in that moment what would happen if I gave HIM all the praise, gratitude and appreciation that I was wanting to experience. What if instead of making demands on him for more time and attention, I showered him with appreciation for all that he has given me so far, and celebrated everything he continued to give me.

What would happen if I gave him the love I was wanting to receive?

Now please note- I am not talking about being in an abusive relationship, and trying to overcome that. For those of us who are survivors of trauma, there can be a fine line between “unconditional love” and self-abuse”. Many survivors learn early on to separate the behavior from the person, and so we can endure situations that most people find intolerable. We can learn to love just about any monster that crawls out of the closet.

That is not what I am speaking about in this case. What is happening here is a conscious shift from focusing on “unmet needs” (criticism) to appreciation of needs met. Remember Devi, what you focus on grows….

So, here’s what I did-

1) I made a mental and physical list of all the things I appreciate about him. Like REALLY appreciate, not just, “oh yeah that’s nice,” but the things that really made my yoni wet with appreciation, such as:

* I LOVE the way he texts me back almost INSTANTLY every time.

* I so appreciate the fact that he spent 5 hours of his weekend fixing my website for me.

* He took me to buy a new car, and talked me through the whole process, the pros, the cons, my fears, how it felt for me . He literally kissed me through every step.

* He made sure I had the sound equipment I needed for my meeting with a TV producer in LA, and even Skyped with me to make sure it all worked properly.

* He wanted me to keep my necklace on during the photos he took of me, because he said-“It is a part of what makes you, YOU.” This was a gift of being seen.

* He learned semen retention, and practices it regularly!!!

I “tuned in” to all of the warmth and yumminess of these gifts he had given me, and how I am a more whole human being because of his presence in my life. These gifts deserve to be honored, cherished, appreciated. He GAVE them to me unconditionally, by choice, because he wanted to give them… and here I was complaining about being unappreciated!

2) I got real about the fact that this situation could end at any moment. We could die (Source forbid) or more likely, I could move away in a few months, and we might never see each other again. My past life is filled with pain and regret about the love I did not receive, and therefore felt unable to give. I woke up to the fact that it would be TRAGIC to NOT love this man with every ounce and fiber of my being, while I have him here in front of me. The greatest sorrow is to NOT love when we have the chance. This idea that we will in some way lose a part of ourselves when we love is tragic (yes I keep using that word, but it works!)

Rather than being diminished in some way by love, I am a bigger, more full and whole human being because of loving him. Rather than asking “is he worthy of my love”, I realized that I value myself enough to allow myself the gift of loving someone else.

And the results from this little experiment have been amazing! All of sudden he has time to spend with me, he WANTS to send time with me, he’s saying some of the words of interest and adoration that I wanted so desperately to hear before, and I’m thinking to myself who is this man? Am I speaking to the same person? Perhaps he is thinking the same of me….

But please keep in mind that I was not, and am not seeking results, or pay back, or even reciprocity. I simply realized that I loved this man, and there was nothing I could do to change that, but I was NOT attached to remaining in relationship with him, if that did not serve either of our higher purposes. I had truly let him go in a sense, so what has been coming back to me has been a totally unsolicited and unexpected gift, and the most beautiful example thus far of being the change, (the growth, the love) which we desire to see and receive.

http://deviwardtantra.com/love-wish-receive/